Sunday, July 5, 2009
Intro to Augustus
He is standing alone in the middle of a desert. His angelic face is void of any expression. His tall body stands amongst weeds and tall dead sea grass. He is facing nothing in an endless direction. He closes his hazel eyes and clenches his fists. A light breeze starts to blow just enough to make the tall weeds around him start to move. His brown flannel shirt begins to billow as the wind picks up pace. The man opens his hands palm and lifts his arms out as if to hug the earth. The wind begins to howl, picking up dust and grass. The mans long brown hair becomes tassled and unkempt as the wind pushes harder against his body. The man disapears in a cloud of debree as the wind turns into a gale force creating a violent dust storm.
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gotta say, I'm intrigued...I like an intro that sets the hook.
ReplyDeleteon the technical side, you missed the apostrophe in "man's" in the second to last sentence.
on the stylistic side, you use "he" and "his" a lot. personally, I'd try to cut down on the pronouns a little bit. but that's just me. Also, I don't really have a great solution, other than using more compound sentences, and then you're changing the flow and tone of the thing.